Lee - Weeks 7 & 8 Notes

Note Index | Megan Lee

Megan Lee Weeks 7 & 8 Field Notes excerpts - Life Cycle and Marriage

Saturday, October 23, 1999 (written 10/25/99)
[name withheld], life cycle interview

In our culture when the mother is pregnant, we have to be prepared for the newborn baby. Like, we make, first of all the grandmothers of the new born baby, she has to prepare the mat and when the baby is born, before the baby is born in the final month, the eighth out of nine months, we have to cut our hair, we cut our hair to make it short. Because then the baby is born, when the baby is born the old ladies they gather together in the house. And they will be here, likes it's a big traditional way for us to see the baby born [see the baby when it is first born]. Especially when it's a boy, 'cause in Fiji when the boys are- like for very plenty of us, they like the eldest in the family to be a boy. And the old ladies they will gather together in the house for four nights. And they'll carry the baby, the baby won't sleep with the mom. They'll carry like one to the other, one will carry the baby for five minutes and then pass it over to another. They do this for four nights. Then after four nights, then we will make a big feast, we call it bogi va. They kill the pig, they make the lovo, have dalo. Then from there, the baby can be taken outside of the house and then too the father can be allowed to come and see the baby. He'll be away for four nights. The father can see the baby when it's born in the hospital but when it comes to the house the father can't see the baby until fourth night. When it's four nights, after the feast, then the father is allowed to come in the house. That's our traditional Fijian way but now a days, many people they don't do it that way. Before they do that but now they don't do it so much, maybe one in the family they do it that way. Like when he was born [her son, Graham] it was done for him. Like my family and his father's family, they were looking forward for his birth, so they do that. When the mother will be staying with the baby for three months, then they will cut their hair. I couldn't cut my hair for that three months. I had to cut my hair when I was eight months pregnant then after three months the baby born, then I cut my hair. It's like, because he's the oldest in the family, the eldest boy, we are looking forward for the first year. Then his uncle came like the vasu, my brothers they came and they make a feast and after the first birthday, they cut his hair. Like his auntie, my sister in law, she has to arrange the mat and all that and so my sister in law carries him in her lap and my brother cut his hair. It's really a big party for his first birthday, they made it in the hall 'cause the whole village came and we have a big family. He was born in Lautoka. He was born in 92, 4 of October. He just had his seventh birthday.

...

After the first birthday, the next big event for the boys is the circumcision. It's up to us when to do it, but for us, we're looking forward to this December. Some of the parents they can make it earlier than that. Some of them they do it when they are teenagers, but that's not good. For him, we'll make it this December 'cause he is in year one. My mom and my sister that our own, we'll do that, we'll make the mat, we'll make the feast. And then he goes to the hospital and when he comes back, we'll spread out all the mats here, and cover it with a paper, we call it masi and he'll have to stay in the house for four days, then after the four days, we'll make a feast. Then he can go out swimming and washing in the sea. When his bandage comes out, then he can swim. So, most of us, we do it in the seventh year, so after that, we looking forward, it depends on the parents, if they can afford to celebrate the birthdays they do, but for us in the Fijian custom, we celebrate the sixteenth and the twenty first birthdays. They make it a very big party. In Fijian way we give the key for the 21 birthday. It's like giving permission to the boy to leave the house, it's like saying it's okay for the boy to go and leave the family and then he can come back to the family, because he has the key. He can do whatever he wants, never mind if he's working, he can stay with us. And then when he's 21 he can do whatever he wants, he can do wherever he wants to go, he can leave us. Especially for the boys, we are celebrating. Not so much for the girls, the girls, we can manage to look after ourselves, but the boys, they are very hard.

...

In the weddings, the part of the wedding, we call it the tavutavu. After the wedding, the bride's side and the bridegroom's side, the take the mats to the new couple. Like we give, that's the gift to the new couple who had just been wed. But some Fijians, they were in love and before the wedding, the boy gets the girl and stay with him. That's very hard in the Fijian way and because before the wedding the girl is staying with the boy and then the parents, the boy's parents, they have to take the tabua to the girl's parents. And they have to go and tell them the girl is staying with them. That's the bulubulu. Today, if one of the boys brings a girl here, early in the morning, as soon as we wake up, if we see the girl is here, my parents have to go and bring the tabua to the girl's parents. To say sorry that one of the boys they brought a girl here and she is in the house. 'Cause in the morning, the girl's parents they will look for the girl and they will want her to be there and if one is missing they have to bother, where is this one, where did she go, where did she end up. And they say oh, she went there, she is staying there, there will be trouble. It's a good life in the village, we can just go from one house to another house, but if it's in another village, then we have to bother, to pay for the carrier, to go there. Then after is the wedding. Then after the wedding is the tavutavu, some families they do the tavutavu on the wedding day, but some have to wait one year, two years, to do it. Then after that, if there is a baby born, they go to the vasu. Like if I had a baby, I would have to go to my vasu. My husband's side would take the mats, the kerosene drums, take them to the girl's side. The take the tabua, they pay for the carrier. And me and my child would go to my vasu so they can see the child. The woman's side doesn't have to do anything, the only thing they do is make the feast. Some of us they arrange the marriage, that's the good way in the Fijian way. But some they don't arrange the marriage, they just go and get the girl and the first thing they do is the bulubulu and then after that they arrange for the wedding then do the tavutavu. During that time if the girl is pregnant, after the baby is born they have to take the baby to the mother's village to let the village know that the baby is born.

Funerals: when someone has died, we take mats. The men, they take the tabua, the yaqona, sometimes they take the foods, pigs or cows, or whatever they can afford to take. Some people they bring groceries and we go there. We go to the funeral and we stay there for two or three days and there are feasts. Then after the funeral, then the family of the deceased, the have to arrange another feast. At the funeral, they kill the cows, two or three cows, whatever the family can afford. They kill the cows on the day of the funeral and cut it into pieces and give it to the families that come to the funeral.. The names of the families that come to The funeral are written down in a book, after the funeral, the cow is divided into pieces and given to the families that come. After the funeral then we have to celebrate with feasts at 4, 50, 100, nights and then again at one year. At one year the tomb is made for the dead at the grave yard. Some families, they do it after 100 days, but most wait until one year. My father died last January, in January we will make the tomb for him. They have to make feasts for the people who come to each one. They don't have to bring anything but sometimes they bring food.

The men don't shave they don't cut their hair for one hundred nights. The women don't cut their hair, they wear black clothes, if they don't have black clothes they wear the black ribbon on their clothes, or some they wear the ties, they tie one each night 'til it's hundred nights.

And some of them, the last thing they eat before the person dies, they won't eat it for one hundred nights. If they eat they chicken or the meat or the coffee or tea, whatever they eat before they die. The close families won't eat those things for one hundred nights. Then at hundred nights, the ladies cut their hair, the men they can cut their hair but they don't shave so then for hundred nights, they can do that and they can eat whatever they like. Like one of my brother's daughter died last two years, she was eighteen and she was in an accident. She went to buy cigarettes from an Indian man and she made an accident, she fell from the carrier. So what happened, my brothers they didn't take yaqona or cigarettes for one hundred nights. And us, we wear black clothes and we didn't take biscuits or butter and tea 'cause that was the last thing she had to eat before she died 'til one hundred nights, then we made a feast and started eating whatever we want. It's very hard in our way. We have to do a lot of things, if we follow the Fijian way. If we think of it, the living is very hard. What we have to do is so hard, how can we do it. The living now is too expensive, we can't really afford it, but only in our hearts. We do it by sharing. If they want something, we can give it, we like to share it.

Top of Page | Note Index | Megan Lee

Sunday, October 24, 1999 (written 10/26/99)
SUMMARY

I got up around 7 and played with Semesa for a while and we had breakfast of bread and mango jam. After breakfast I went back to bed for a while and then got up around quarter to ten to have my bath before church. We were on time for church for the first time ever. Dakui said the "sermon" at church today but he lost his voice this week and he sounds really funny now. After church we went back up to the house and had lunch. Louisa and Maro and Pena ate at our house. We had fish and kasava. I sat and talked with them for a while and took pictures. Mesa and I had matching outfits on. Nana made me a dress while we were in Taveuni and she made Mesa a shirt and pants out of the same material. After lunch I did work for a while and Nina and I went down the hill to see Wati for a while. Her husband finally came home so she was happy. She was sitting with the baby like always. We stayed there for about an hour and then went home again. Everyone was sleeping when we got back and Nina went to take a nap too. I sat on the porch and read for a while. Bill brought me a mango so I ate that and got juice all over myself. At 4:30 everyone went to church but I stayed home and read and wrote letters. Some of the little kids came and sat on the porch with me. I was singing, listening to my walk man and they all laughed at me. When Tata came back from church, one of his nieces came back with him. She is really nice, she sat and talked with me for a while. She works at the backpackers resort at Nananu-i Ra and was just in the village for her day off. We went back down the hill together to the community hall. There was a M.Y.F. Tea in the afternoon. The mothers had the tea for the youth because they participated in the church services for the week. Ili and Kem were standing at the bottom of the hill and he of course asked if I had asked my parents about a support letter for them. We went and sat in the hall and waited for everyone to come. I ate with them and then drank grog for a while. It was just the younger guys and the minister drinking, the women served them rice and curry and then they sat and talked and washed the dishes. I went back home at about 8:30. I watched rugby for a while and read a little and went to bed.
METHODIST YOUTH FELLOWSHIP, YOUTH WEEK AND M.Y.F. TEA

This past week (October 18-24) was youth week at the church. The youth fellowship is supposed to be for youths that are unmarried between the ages of 18 and 30 but there are several people in the group who are over 30. Several of them, (Akini) are also married. The theme of the week was "The kingdom of God and the village". The youth participated in events to help promote the church in the village. Every night during the week there was a church service especially for the youth, although there were older people there too. The youth sang in the choir at each service. At the Sunday morning service, the youth ministers, performed the service. There are three young men in the village who led the service. On Friday, a group of them went to Rakiraki village to give a donation(?) to the youth group there. They also performed a song together. On Sunday, after the four o'clock church service, the mothers of the youth held an afternoon tea for them. They wanted to thank them for helping in the church and donating to the church. After the service, the women went to the community hall and began preparing food for the youth. They made rice and curry and had tea and breakfast crackers for them. When the women had the food prepared, the guys came in. The women performed a sevusevu to the vakatawa and to the younger men to thank them. The young men sat behind the kava bowl. The woman who performed the sevusevu did not stay in the circle. Once she had said her part she went back to preparing the food with the other women. The women sat near the door of the community hall. There were about 8 women actually making the food. There were several others who sat and talked with them. The women who actually did the cooking all had sons who were in the kava circle. The guys in the kava circle sat with their backs to the women. The vakatawa sat at the top of the circle and Markete (Stephanie's brother) sat next to him. There was also another older man who sat with them, who I had never seen before. The men served to the vakatawa first. They took turns serving the grog. I don't think that it mattered who was serving. While they drank, they sang songs. They were all church songs, most had two parts, for the men and the women. Everyone knew all the words to all the songs. They were not very serious about their grog circle, it was not a very formal occasion. None of the older, "important" men were there so they laughed and joked and kept getting up and leaving the circle and then coming back. The women served the food and they sat in the circle and ate as they were drinking. After everyone had eaten, the women washed the dishes and started to pack everything up. They sat and talked for a while and some started to leave. They men stayed and drank for about two hours, until all the grog was gone. Then everyone started to go home.

...
Field Notes Week 8

Monday, October 25, 1999 (written 10/25/99)
SUMMARY

I slept really late today and didn't get up until almost 7:30. We had breakfast of rice and bread and then I did a little bit of washing. I took my shower outside again because we don't have any water and got ready to go to Vunitogoloa. Nina had said that she wasn't going to come with me but then she decided she would. She swept out the house and washed some of the nappies and then she had her bath. We went down to the shop to wait for the bus a little before 11. Lapani and Dakui and some of the other men were down there. The men were just sitting in the shop, doing nothing. We only had to wait for about five minutes and then the bus came. We got to Vunitogoloa and a bunch of guys were sitting outside under the trees. They were listening to the radio and reading the paper and just hanging out. They looked like they had been working but were taking a break. They are building a new house there for one of Nina's uncles. Nina said they were all her cousin-brothers and her two real brothers. Vilisi and Vani, who I wanted to interview were both doing work when we got there. Vilisi was doing laundry and Vani was inside the other house. I sat outside under the trees and talked to the guys for a while, I did a cross word puzzle with them from the paper. Nina disappeared inside the house with her mother, I think that she was helping her cook. After about half an hour Vilisi finished so we went inside the house to do the interview. We sat in the front room on the floor and did the interview. After she and I were done, then Vani came in and I interviewed her as well. After we had finished they went to get lunch ready and take care of their babies and I went back outside and sat under the trees and talked with Vani's sister-in-law who was playing with Vani's baby. I ate lunch with the guys, they sit outside and eat at the table outside. We had rice and dohl soup with tinned fish in it. After lunch the guys went inside to have a ‘meeting'. I sat and talked with Nina and her mother while they went inside. After they came back out, Nina and I went to wait for the bus. We left on the half past one bus. When we got back to Naivuvuni, Koni was outside, down the hill, with Semesa. Nina took him back up to the house with us and I watched him for a while as Nina started to make his food for him.

...

I started reading Body, Self and Society but I fell asleep instead. I slept for about 45 minutes and then went out and sat with Nina. She was eating in the kitchen. She asked me to copy a recipe from the newspaper for her. After she was done eating, we went into my room and I interviewed her for my project. After the interview we talked for a little while and then she had to start cooking dinner and I went and wandered around the village for a while. I went back up to the house a little before six, thinking that I would have missed the prayer but Tata sent me into the room anyway. We had a short family prayer afterwards and then I went outside to get my clothes from the line. Ameila was outside next door, cutting her little sister's hair so I went and saw her for a little while. While I was sitting out there Nina came and got me and we went down to the boat. Nina, Lapani and Akini and I went for a ride in the Methodist Youth Fellowship boat to Vunitogoloa to get the fishing net. The guys are going fishing tomorrow. We came and had dinner, potato soup with tinned fish in it and then I started to do work but I fell asleep. I went to bed around ten, there were a bunch of people at the house, watching rugby and drinking grog, but I was too tired and just went to bed instead.

... [personal interviews deleted]

Top of Page | Note Index | Megan Lee

Tuesday, October 26, 1999
SUMMARY

I got up at 6:30 this morning and no one was in the house except for Nina. She was sweeping out the house, Semesa was laying on the floor. I played with him for a little while and then Nana and Koni came back and Nina and I had breakfast, bread and jam. After breakfast I had my bath, outside at someone else's house. When I had finished my bath I started doing work at nine. Apryle and Semi came to my house around ten to get me. I was supposed to have gotten a message that they were coming to get me to go with them to Vitawa for a hundred nights ceremony but no one ever told me about it. I was going to go to Vitawa anyway though to interview Tila and Api so it actually worked out well. First we went to a settlement right next to Nina's parent's house outside of Vunitogoloa where Apryle had cut sugar cane the day before. She wanted to go back to take pictures of the men there and the cane fields, but they weren't cutting there. So we hitched a ride with someone back to Vitawa. When we got back here, the women were getting ready to go fishing as part of the hundred nights. We went with Api's Nana up the hill to where the father's side's women were preparing food. Some of the men from the mother's side came and did a sevusevu and then we went to see the women fishing. We got stuck in the mud walking across where the tide had gone out. We watched the women go out through the area that had been tabu for one hundred nights after the death and then went back to Apryle's house. While we waited for them to come out the other side we had lunch and hung out for a while. After lunch we went to meet the women again. Erinn came to interview Tila for her project and Ap and I went back up the hill. The had tea and another sevusevu and then we went back down to the house to wait for dinner. I started to interview Tila for my project and Karen and Steve came to talk to me about going to a bulubulu on Friday. I went back to Naivuvuni to talk to Tata about who was going and if I should go with them or not. Then they brought me back to Vitawa. We stayed outside in the rain for a little while and we went back up the hill for dinner. We ate and drank grog with the men for a while and then came back down to the house to do work. We did work, took some long breaks, and went to bed around 1:30.

HUNDRED NIGHTS CEREMONY FOR ATILAITE NAVUNI

Atilaite Navuni was married into the yavusa Bua in Vitawa village. Her husband is still alive but he is really old and doesn't leave the house. Her son died about two weeks before she did, they just had a hundred nights ceremony for him as well. She is Apryle's tata's father's brother's wife. Atilaite was originally from the Rakiraki clan, Namotutu. She lived in Vunitogoloa before she was married with her mother's people. Members of her yavusa in Vunitogoloa came for the ceremony. Although her mother's side was from Vunitogoloa, many of the women have married into yavusas in Vitawa so although they live in Vitawa, they were "representing" their own yavusa at the ceremony.

The women from the father's side spent the morning cooking at the house of the deceased, which is next to a vacant house that is usually used for ceremonies. They sat apart from the other women. When the women from the mother's side arrived, the prepared to go fishing. When someone dies, it is the mother's side that decides what the tabu will be. Whatever tabu they chose, it will be in place for one hundred days. In the case of this women, the tabua they chose was on fishing. They chose an area just outside the village. They marked the area with two sticks with fabric wrapped around them to mark the area where no one was allowed to fish. The area that they chose was also an area for boats to dock but for the hundred nights, the boats were not allowed in this area. On the one hundredth day, the death is commemorated and the tabu removed by the women of the mother's side fishing in the area that had been tabua. A group of about twenty or twenty five women left together to fish. They started at one end of the area and walked through the water with nets. The fish they caught they put in baskets called noke. They fished for about two and a half hours.

Before they left, the men from the mother's side came and performed a sevusevu to the men from the father's side. The men from the mother's side presented yaqona to the father's side to lift the tabua on the fishing area. The man who spoke for the father's side was a half brother of the husband of Atalaite. He spoke on his behalf because the husband does not leave the house. After the sevusevu, the women left to go fishing.

While the women left to fish nothing really happened. The women continued to cook and some of the men sat in the empty house and drank grog. When the women came back, they changed their clothes and brought the fish back to the house. The men came back and performed another sevusevu. This time, the men from Vunitogoloa presented the fish and fishing net to the father's yavusa, Bua. He didn't actually hand the net and fish to them but went to where they were laying and motioned to him to indicate that they were theirs now. Then the men from the father's side performed a sevusevu and presented six bolts of material to the mother's side. The fishing net, fish and material were then taken somewhere else. During the sevusevus, the father's (yavusa Bua) always served to the mother side. The mother's side always drank first.

While the men were performing the sevusevus, the women from the father's side served tea and snacks to the mother's side. The women sat away from the men and drank their tea. None of the women from the father's side drank tea. They did not sit together either. The women from the mother's side sat near the shed on the vacant house and the women from the father's side sat apart from them near the house of the dead woman. After the tea and sevusevus were over, the men sat and drank grog together under the shed and the women continued making food. Later, when we came back for dinner, most of the men had already eaten. The men were sitting in the shed again, drinking grog. There were several grog circles. The "head men" from bowl sides, the mother's and the father's, sat together at the top of the shed in one circle. There were two other circles as well. We ate our dinner in the empty house with the last of the men who hadn't eaten and some of the women and children.

When the men from Vunitogoloa were ready to leave, the head of them said a short speech to thank the men from Vitawa and to excuse themselves. They said a prayer and then the men left.

... [personal interviews deleted]

Top of Page | Note Index | Megan Lee

Friday, October 29, 1999
[name withheld] (what marriage is, continuation of first interview)

Describe marriage in general:

To me marriage means, being together with your husband. Sharing all your love together, your money. Your time, sharing everything together, the house, food.
How should it happen, how do people become married:

first of all, you should know each other very, very well. The true colors should be shown out before marriage. After that, when it comes to marriage, you should understand each other. If your husband doesn't like something, you should understand that part of your husband.
Differences between marriages (eloped and arranged):

In eloped marriages, all the traditional stuff that has been done in the traditional marriages, is not done. In the traditional marriage, if the guy wants to marry the girl, first of all he will take the yaqona or the tabua to the parents to tell the parents that he wants to marry her. Secondly, the have to take another tabua to ask the girl if she wants to marry that guy. And if she says yes, then the marriage has been set. They set the day, date, everything. An eloped marriage is not like that. If you get eloped today, you can get married tomorrow. The only thing that is done for the eloped marriage is the bulubulu. The guy's parents will go to the girl's place and apologize for taking her.

Most people think that an eloped marriage is better than an arranged marriage. In the eloped marriage, first of all, we get to know each other, you love each other, you share your love and affection with each other before you get married. In traditional marriage, you don't really get to know each other 'cause the girl is not allowed to come to the house of the boy or have sex with the boy. So for me, love marriage is better than traditional marriage.

In the community, traditional is seen as superior than eloped marriage. Some people think badly about eloped people. They say your not allowed to do that, or it's not the traditional way to get eloped with somebody. But for me, love marriage is better than the traditional marriage.

The relationship with the family is affected if you get eloped. It is really, really affected. If we get eloped and then we come to this family, they are going to have that bad feeling inside them about us. Because of what other people will say about my husband and I because we eloped. Especially my in laws. 'Cause they are elder than us, and they are worried, oh, what will other people say because my son, or my daughter got eloped. They don't really treat me differently but sometimes my in laws will give us a lecture about why did we get eloped, we should have told the parents first. My in laws didn't know that I was coming. I just showed up, no telephone call. My husband's parents said, oh, our son's wife! She is here now. They haven't done the bulubulu but they are planning it now to apologize to my parents for what we did. But we are married so everything know is settled down. They didn't know I was his girlfriend, they didn't know anything. I had never met them before. When I first came I felt awkward but now I am used to it, everything is normal. 'Cause in Fiji, if we have boyfriends and girlfriends, we don't really have the guts to tell our parents, 'cause we're not allowed to have them at first. We don't tell our parents at all. We just hide it from our parents 'cause there is no understanding from our parents, we just hide everything from our parents.

If they don't do the bulubulu: nothing really is going to happen, but the thing is my parents will look down on my husband's parents. In the traditional Fijian way, if someone elopes, the bulubulu has to be done. Yes people who are rich, do it right at that time. If I got eloped today, they will do it tomorrow. But for some people like us, we have to save up, save up, then after some time they will go and do it. If they don't do it, if they miss out on the bulubulu, just that, my parents deep down, they will look down on my husband's parents. They will say, oh, they should have done the bulubulu, he is married to our daughter. They just have to do it to one of my parents.

...

Most people in Fiji they live together but they never really get married. But the change in our lifestyle just have to understand that. Some people they live together, without being married. I don't know why. Some people see that as adultery. They are committing adultery, they are living together, they should just get married. Most people they just leave it, you know, mind there own business. If a couple fights a lot, some people say they should leave each other. But if you are not married and you live together, maybe they should get married and have kids and then they will get to love each other more.

Marriage is a good thing. Marriage is a beautiful thing. You share your life with your husband, you share your money, if you get sick he can take care of you, make you food, wash your clothes. And the company. You know each other very well. You get to go out together, you get to protect each other. The only thing I can say is marriage is beautiful. Get married and you will know.

If you never get married, that's okay. That's your life, if that's what you want, it's okay, it's seen in the Fijian community that it's okay. But the thing is, what if you get old and you live alone. That's what you have to think about now, if you don't get married and you don't have any kids, who will take care of you? In Fijian society, getting married, yeah, you have to get married. You are seen as superior. But if you don't if you just live your life like that, oh, people will talk about you. If you just get a guy and dump that guy and get another one, people will talk about you. So if you get married you have to get married only once. We don't see it so much in the village, but in the cities, people get divorced. Most people get divorced. Just because of one of the partners. If one of them is not faithful, they will get divorced. Or, people get divorced because of wife abuse. People don't really have affairs that much. In Fiji, most people just go out with one person and they have a kid, then they go out with someone else, another kid, and someone else, another kid. We have those kinds of ladies in this village to. It's the wife, or the mother, who is going to face all the trouble, all the problems. She has to look after the kids, work really, really hard for the kids to survive. People will really look down on her. They will talk about you, and in Fiji..., if a Fijian girl marries an Indian guy, people will look down on you, they will talk about you. I don't know why, Indians are people too, but people look down on you. Or If you have a kid from an Indian guy, people will throw swears at you, they will say, oh Indian's son, Indian's daughter. And I don't know why, we are all the same, two ears, two eyes, one nose. I don't know, that's what most people have.

Top of Page | Note Index | Megan Lee

Sunday, October 31, 1999 (written 11/2/99)

...
[name withheld] (independent project, marriage, cultural models)

before you can get married, you have to have a plan, a family plan. You have to plan to have children, plan where to live and build what you want. You can't just get married, you have to plan first with your partner, what's life gonna be, how is life gonna be. When this will happen, what will happen next. When you meet your partner, you can't just go and get married straight away, not just tomorrow. Before, you have to discuss what's behind the marriage. You have to plan, to have a house, a family have children.

...

Right now in the village, there are plenty who are just legally married. They have children, they live together and they never have the traditional marriage. There are plenty who are just living together and never get married. They have kids, grandkids, and never get married, 'til death. It's something that we look down upon. You are supposed to be legally married, never mind if you are staying together, they have grandchildren. It's hard for them because the children, they are mean to their children. They know if someone is not married and they make fun of them. They hear what the others talk about, around the house and they know it. They know who is married, who is not, those two just boyfriend and girlfriend, even if the grown ups are old. They know from the family talk, they hear from the family. So that is a problem, we have to watch the children, they are very naughty. We have to keep an eye on them. So it's better to get married. But some they don't want to get married because one is divorced. The wife or the husband is married to someone else. And they never divorced so they just stay together. And if a relative they don't like it, they just say, no don't marry that person. If my relatives hate him my mother will say, no you can't marry him. So the men, they hear what the relatives say, so they don't marry that girl. Last year there's one man here, who's sixty years old, and they just got married, legally married. 'Cause the vakatawa came and he wants everyone in the village to get married. So parents they weren't married, they were living together for thirty years, and they got married just last year. 'Cause in our religion, they can't go to the church and take part. You have to be married to take part in the church ceremony. It's okay if you have a child and you don't stay with the girl. Like Temesia is the vakatawa and he has a son but they are not staying together. It's only if you stay together and are not married then you cannot participate in the church. That's what the Bible says.

The fixed marriage, most of the marriages are not fixed anymore. Like I would not get married to my uncle's son. Most of those marriages today, they do not work. Because they are forced to marry, like if you have a boyfriend, they are forced to marry the other one. So after sometime they go to their own boyfriend or girlfriend. So, some of them have children but after some time if they break up, it's your own problem. It's not the parents' problem. If fixed marriages break they blame the parents, or the relatives. So it's better to have love marriages, so if it breaks, it's your own problem, you can't blame anyone else. It's you who breaks it, not anyone else, can't blame someone else. Only in the islands they still do fixed marriages. But some in the villages, the boys can't talk to the girls, the men can't find a wife so then the aunts and uncles they find someone for them. They can't get married, they can't do it themselves, so they find someone for them. Everyone knows that that's not the good one. The parents don't do the fixed marriage. Because everything is changing now in Fiji. The boys and girls, 12 years old, they say they have a boyfriend. Before now, they didn't. Only 18,19 then they can have a boyfriend. But now, the young ones too, they have it too. Times are changing very fast. I can't say if it's good or bad but times is changing and we can't change it again. Like you people when you are in primary school, you have boyfriends and girlfriends, not serious, just to say they are the boyfriend. But us, no not 'til they are older then they can do it. Before people get married they have lots of different boyfriends. That's okay with the parents 'cause they give us lots of freedom now. We have lots of boyfriends and girlfriends before getting married. See the right partner and then settle down. But all the strict parents, they will lose their daughters. Sometimes they are too strict and then the daughter just runs away and they never see her again. 'Cause she never had any freedom. But if they are given the freedom from a young age they know how to use it. They know when to go and when to come back and it's okay but if they are given the freedom at a very late age, they don't know how to use it. So they run away and never come back.

So people don't mind what they do as long as they get married, legally married. They have to be married before the children are born. It's better to just go and arrange your own marriage. Once you are legally married, then your parents have to do their part. The time will come when they have to do the traditional one. The parents will be mad if they don't, they will say oh, they hate you. So they have to do it some time. If you run away and marry to that marry without my knowledge, go away and have children with that man, then after a while everything settles down, and everything is okay again. But usually, the man's side decides when it will be done. If they never do it they will be looked down upon. You talk to them but others will look down on them. Because they do it for the others, they did it for that one, for that one for that one, but they can't do it for this one. What's the matter with them. It's very important to do and we have to keep it so our children will see it and know it. If we don't do it, how will they know what to do?

How a marriage works depends on the partners. The whole thing depends on the two. A good marriage listen, trust, you have to listen to the husband. If something is wrong, you have to talk to your husband tell him what's wrong. Build a family, work and work. If you don't work, your family is going to break. It's not just the man who has the money. The husband and the wife have to work. The wife has to work to help the man. Your husband can't carry all the load. You have to help each other, be caring, look after the children. You have to work together, the children work together. If you can't work together the family is going to break. It's very important to have a family. It's something to look forward to, especially your children's future.

Tuesday, November 2, 1999 (written 11/3/99)
SOCIAL WELFARE OFFICE

I went to the social welfare office today to see if I could get some information or talk to someone about women's issues. The women's interest officer is at a conference in Suva this week but the women I spoke to said she will leave a message for her to get in touch with me when she returns. I'm going to go back early next week and see if I can talk to her, 'cause I doubt that she would actually get a message to me here. The woman I spoke to at the office gave me some information.

The main programs the office offers to women are counseling services. The have marriage counseling for couples and if the women comes by herself they can try to help just her. They also have counseling for wives and children who have been abused and also counseling for the men if they are willing. When the program first started the men were not very willing to come to the counseling but now some of them starting to open up to it. They try to tell the women that once a man is abusive, he will always be abusive. There is no point in removing the woman and children from an abusive situation and counseling them and then returning them to the home because the man will still be abusive. If they are aware of abuse in the home in which the children are in danger, they remove the children and put them In a home where they will be safe.

The also offer legal assistance to women. They help them gain custody and access of their children if they have divorced or separated. They also help them with issues dealing with matrimonial property and getting alimony and affiliation for mother's with children. Affiliation is money for single mothers, from the father or his family. They also have services for widows, they can help them if for some reason they can't get their deceased husband's pension money and they can also help them set up financial support to pay for school fees if they have children who are schooling. They can also provide housing for single mothers and widows with children who are schooling.

Top of Page | Note Index | Megan Lee